Friday, November 25, 2011

My 5 Person Crew In Case Of A Werewolf Apocalypse.

It seems everywhere you turn these days, you read about zombie-proof homes, zombie walks, zombie movies, George Romero's ponytail, zombie books, zombie vs. human organized games, and so on.

Hey, don't get me wrong- I love the undead. Hell, I made a short flick earlier this year to celebrate the soul-less wandering my town and eating my friends.

But, seriously. What if we are focusing way too much attention on just this one small fraction of ghouls that could overtake the world? Whose to say vampires can't clear out this earth over the span of a few nights? What about evil robots? (I can hear an AC/DC soundtrack blasting somewhere off in the distance as Emilio Estevez fights off demonic toasters and lawnmowers.)

Or what about werewolves?

My all-time favorite monster, the werewolf gets nowhere NEAR the credit these creatures deserve as far as potential over throwers of the civilized world.

Think about it- before 'Twilight' doused their reputation in sparkly piss, werewolves have been held in high regard since the days of Greek folklore, when a man by the name of Lycaon was transformed into a wolf because he had ritually murdered a child and fed human flesh to Zeus to see if the god was in fact a god. The punishment for the scoundrel's crime was being turned into a wolf. There are also stories of men from Arcadia roaming the woods as wolves.

Lycanthropes are brutally strong, hellishly evil and just as hard to kill as a vampire. Sure, you can pierce one's heart with a silver bullet, but how sure are you of your aim when you've got a 300 pound roaring hell hound barreling towards you, lusting for your jugular vein?

So, let's have some fun here. Werewolves have run amok and threaten our world.
You've got the chance to wrangle up a team of 5 horror characters (humans only- no Freddy Krueger or Jason or Michael, just for the sake of being realistic here. I mean, c'mon, everything else in this article has been nothing but scientifically correct thus far....) to help keep you alive and also fend off the beasts.

Why ya got?
I look forward to reading who you pick.
In the meantime, here's my crew- come get some, pooches!

R.J MacCready
(The Thing)

First off, he's got experience handling pressure situations. He can survive on his own if need be, he can rock the flame thrower like no other and he's got the perfect "fuck you" attitude needed on such a team. He's also got the power of the beard. Win.
I figure I could persuade him to join the team in exchange for a bottle of vodka and some fresh long john pants.

                                         Peter Cushing as Dr. Van Helsing

He knows his shiznit. He's Dr. Van Helsing. If anyone is going to have all the info needed and the MacGyver skills necessary to take these beasts down, it's the one and only Mr. Cushing. Complete with charming British accent and hypnotizing eyes that even MacReady wouldn't be able to resist.

   Laurie Strode

No doubt, the amazing Ms. Strode makes the team. She has a massive resume of experience fending off boogeymen with everything from clothes hangers to butcher knives. She can fit into small places, too. We're totally going to infiltrate the lycans' headquarters.

      (Night Of The Living Dead)

One of the original bad asses of horror cinema, Ben is a trooper- he faces adversity (you try being a black man in the 1960s, stuck in a farmhouse full of hyperventilating white folks) and is as resourceful as they come. Hello, look at the picture- he's rocking a weapon-slash-torch made out of a bed post. He can also talk his way out of any situation- remember, his story to the household of zombie survivors when confronted about being in a car that wasn't his was, "I had jumped in to listen to the radio".
... He was totally going to car jack that beeyotch and get the hell out of Dodge! ... if only he knew how to hot wire.. which isn't a necessity in our current lycan situation.

    (Dawn Of The Dead, remake)

We need some muscle on this crew. If we're going to be going toe to toe with the biggest, baddest mofos in horror folklore, I need a bear of a man on my side! Regardless of what you thought of the movie, it's Ving Rhames. Seriously. He can shoot, he can punch, he can fuck you up, you jive turkey!!

All right, there's my list.
Let's see yours! Comment below...

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